Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
