ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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