Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
