Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
