There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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