There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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