So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
this just has baby written all over it
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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