My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
