I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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