im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize