i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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