Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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