proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
