I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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