if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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