Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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