Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize