I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
