I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
