Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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