he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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