The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize