every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
