so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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