I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Randomize
