you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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