he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
