ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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