i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
