We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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