he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
