"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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