I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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