i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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