I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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