Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
