We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
