There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
