My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
