He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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