you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
