I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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