What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
