How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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