She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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