seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize