So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
