Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
