Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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