I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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