I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
