I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
