I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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