Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize