My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize