It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
