he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
