He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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